Zoégetics: I’d rather have a V8

While I’m not an advocate of pyramid schemes, since I’ve been contacted recently by not just one but three different people who I am either related to or close friends with, I decided to get a sample and try it out.

About two months ago I first heard about Zoégetics from my friend Eliza, who is not the typical person to fall for a scam. I wasn’t interested then (and I’m still not), but I was then contacted by my sister-in-law and again by a former co-worker. And especially since all of these folks live in a fairly small town in rural Georgia, and I was told the owner of the company lives there, I decided to take a closer look, if for nothing else, out of a sense of protection for my friends and family getting involved in this new pyramid.

Zoé Life is the name of the “flagship product” according to their website, and is touted to be an all-natural powdered drink mix that is made up of 13 real fruits and vegetables. It is said that one serving of Zoé Life contains only 1 gram of naturally occurring sugar, no caffeine or other stimulants, no chemical preservatives, no high-fructose corn syrup, no artificial colors, no cholesterol, no fat, no sodium and is only 25 calories.

I tried a sample of Zoé Life and found it to be palatable, tasting of a berry-like fruit with a strong whiff of fiber. However, what they don’t tell you is that one tiny sample contains 6g of carbs, which is over half the recommendation for one meal if you are on a low-carb diet (which I’m not).

After about a half-hour of drinking the dark ruby-colored drink (I mixed my sample with 16oz of cold filtered water), I started feeling a distinct rolling sensation in my stomach. And I didn’t eat breakfast this morning, so it wasn’t bad eggs, ok?

I also discovered the hard way that you really should either gulp it all down at once or keep stirring/shaking the mixture, because once you get to the bottom it’s nothing but grit. Yummo.

Two-three hours after finishing the sample, I had cramps around my waistline (similar to menstrual cramps, and I know that’s not what they were) and I felt bloated. But the next morning I did indeed have a good solid BM, so I decided to try another sample.

Another tip here: if you plan on re-using the container you mix the powder in, make sure it’s disposable, because the distinct smell would not go away no matter what I tried.

That second day I felt a slight diuretic effect, i.e., I needed to pee a lot. While I was deciding on whether the effects could indeed be attributed to Zoé Life, I also watched the video that accompanied my samples.

The video is a little home-grown, but that may actually work for the smaller townsfolk. I have a feeling bigger cityfolk will scoff at the lack of professionalism and the obvious coaching of the so-called community members, and it’s pretty clear from the references to church and God that the kind of audience Zoégetics is targeting are Christians.

Among other things, what was advertised on the video:

Independent Distributor Kit: $24.95

• DVD
• samples
• rules/regulations pamphlet
• applications
• “fast-start plan”

Option 1: Zoé Life Fast-start Pack: $375

• 75 sample serving tubes
• 20 Points Value (PV)

Option 2: Zoé Life Bonus Fast-start Pack: not specified

• 30 PV

Option 3: Zoé Life Extra Bonus Fast-start Pack: $757

• 40 PV

Based on a “Banking Binary System”:

• Two sales is the minimum requirement to be able to earn money (you get $50 after your second sale).
• When each of those two sales or “teams” sells packs to two more teams, you get bonus PVs.
• When your PVs total 60, you get $200.
• At 100 or more PVs you get $1000.
• Any time one of your teams at the first level gets $1000 you get 25% of that as a “matching bonus”.
• Teams earning $1000 at second level or lower get you 10%.
• Paid “as often as” weekly.

Nowhere did the video mention how much the product itself could be sold for to your customers, although at one point they did mention $57 per month. Whether that was what a customer pays for, or what it costs a distributor or team every month to stock the stuff you are supposed to be selling, I don’t know. Not to mention, to whom, and for how much, remains to be seen.

Just like any other pyramid scheme, everything looks to be geared toward you gaining sales teams, not customers. Which, as any pyramid works, is not about the sale of the product, but about selling the promise of a product to more people under you, thereby building your pyramid.

Therefore, I’m not at all impressed, and since it looks like I can’t even get the product without buying into Zoégetics, I think I’ll toss my other sample. I’d rather have a V8.

A Real Case of Mad Cow

“The first symptom of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (CJD, or Mad Cow Disease) is rapidly progressive dementia, leading to memory loss, personality changes and hallucinations. This is accompanied by physical problems such as speech impairment, jerky movements, balance and coordination dysfunction, changes in gait, rigid posture, and seizures. In some people, the symptoms can continue for years. In most patients, these symptoms are followed by involuntary movements.” –Wikipedia, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease

Those of you who have known me for a long time know that my other screen name has been madcow or madcow67 since my adoption of the internet using my Mac Performa way back in the early nineties. I’ve always had a thing for cows and even had an actual cow that I named T-Bone, “Bo” for short.

So when I first heard about Mad Cow Disease I always thought it was funny how the symptoms resemble alcoholism. Since I’d started my Air Force career, that’s pretty much when I started drinking heavily, it just fit me, so that’s when I adopted that nickname.

Today, for the first time ever, I decided to donate blood, and I had to answer several questions about my lifestyle and past medical history, among other things. This included whether I had lived in Europe during the years 1980 and 1996. Of course, my answer was yes; I served at Upper Heyford RAF as a Medic (MSS) during the years 1986 - 1990.

Imagine my surprise to hear that I could never donate blood according to standards implemented in 2001 by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as a precautionary measure against exposure to the human form of mad cow disease.

I haven’t laughed like that in years.

I may get in touch with Bill about that. Hell, I’ll email him using my new screen name – madalcowholic.